Brian Dylan

There are two people you should treat with respect – your momma and your bartender.   Your momma brought you into this world and she can take your out.   Your bartender lets you into his bar and he can certainly throw you out     He has a lot more power than gross eviction and he subtly expresses these equally important powers.

Timeliness of service (Pub Power Lvl 1)
If you’ve been in a crowded pub, you’ve experienced a bartender’s convenient myopia.   He seems to pick patrons at random and you can only flag him down by dislocating your shoulder with the weight of the roll of dollar bills.   Assuming your bartender is worthy of his apron and his glass rag, you are observing a system.  Your bartender works on a priority – quick drinks first, favored patrons and maybe then he’ll get to those frozen margaritas and mojitos.    He tries to adhere to first in and first out, but there should be an order to the madness.   Six whiskey and gingers can be poured in batches.   Bottle beers are quicker than pints.

Task management also involves a little bit of favoritism (and if you’re the son of a bartender like me, a little bit of nepotism).  If you’re an unknown, you’re entirely at his mercy.  If you are a regular, you will fall into the group of people he’ll serve and the group of people he’ll get around when he’s ready.  Pretty girls tend to get quicker service for some reason.  Ugly, loud frat guys get served last, get angry about the “shitty service” and then get shown the door.

Potency (Pub Power Lvl 2)
There’s the strength and quality of mixed the drink, there’s the size of the shot and there’s the attentive pour of the beer.  Friendly bartenders will attempt to kill favored patrons with lethal beverages of pure alcohol.   Friendly bartenders who are also good at their job will make the drink within its proper tolerance.  Pure gin does not a good gin and tonic make and you’re buddy bartender should make it so it tastes good.  If they really like you, they might bump you to bar and charge you the price of a well drink.  If you’re drinking 7 and 7’s, you’re obviously not in it for the taste, so stronger drinks are appropriate.   If you’re drinking a beer that matters, then you know that a proper pour takes time to get the right amount of head and bloom.    Shots can mysteriously get bigger when they come in a proper tumbler rather than a plastic Dixie cup.

Control Atmosphere (Pub Power Lvl 3)
Bartenders dictate the soundtrack and the lighting – the secret weapons of crowd control.   We all know what it means when the lights go on full bright and the music abruptly cuts out.   However, bartenders control the ambience and thus the tenor of the night.   If a bartender wants a chill atmosphere, he’ll cue the jazz and he’ll make it dark.   If he wants a wild night, he’ll make it just bright enough to not slam into things and play something with a rapid fire bass line (and a crafty bartender will apply Powers 1 and 2 to the girls in the short skirts).  More importantly, if he wants to shut the place down, he’ll stick the house cd with the same sixteen top forty songs on, crank the bar lights and go outside for a smoke until everyone leaves.

All you need to do is obey these simple rules.  Tip at least 20%.  If it’s a new place, your best bet is to start a tab because tipping on individual drinks will make you reluctant.  If it’s the kind of joint where they don’t take tabs, grow up and go to a non-college bar.   Treat your bartender like you would your momma.  Say “Please.”  Say “Thank you.”  Hail your bartender with your eyes and by placing your money or glass on the inside of the bar.   Bartenders, believe or not,  want your business, but their specialties are drinks and drunks, so it might take a bit of sugar to get past their bullshit filter and actually have them use their significant powers for your own good.

(This article focuses on male bartenders.  Female bartenders use the same powers, but they also have an entirely different arsenal.  The best bartender (next to my dad, of course) I ever had was a woman, so don’t go all post-feminist neo colonial marxist theory on me).